Insomnia? May I recommend Nova

I've had trouble sleeping most of my life. And when I have fallen asleep it is not always in the most appropriate setting.  I have drifted off while listing to a director give me notes after rehearsal (he didn't notice thanks to one of my fellow actors responding), in mid sentence as I sit at a restaurant eating, while sitting on a toilet and while cooking.  This last one was before I actually turned on the stove but still...dicey.  After I had my heart attack I was told I had to sleep with some consistency or I would..ah what was the word the Cardiologist used...oh yeah...die.

Now with a combination of a prescription and a good book, I can turn my brain off and fall asleep.  But sometimes I need a little more encouragement to bring me to the repose I so desire.  I choose not to turn to more drugs but instead a rather curious way to put myself in sweet slumber. I turn on an episode of Nova.

But how can that be you might ask?  Nova is one of the finest representations of non-fictional or reality television show ever produced anywhere. I unequivocally agree. The subject matter is always informative, timely yet timeless and so beautifully photographed that on a large HD screen it can take your breath away.  The content is presented in a well thought out and meticulous manner with attention to detail and accuracy that is unmatched. The viewer can follow seemingly incomprehensible, complex issues in a way that are accessible to even the most impenetrable among us.  They take you to another world the same way a great book can.  The one thing they don't do is intrude with off the subject commercials during the presentation. And that's when the miraculous happens.  I believe as the show continues uninterrupted, somewhere I find the portal to drift off to dreamland.  

The lack of commercials is the key most certainly.  Did you ever notice that the commercial blocks (especially on FOX!!!!!) are LOUD.  Sometimes much LOUDER and that's saying something if you're watching something like 24. You may dismiss it but its true.  All broadcast entities that have advertisement have the volume turned up to "11" during these breaks.  Any show, no matter what the genre, during the show's content, will have moments of stasis and some quiet however brief.  A 21st century commercial block has a thirtieth of a second between each ad, announcement or promo.  It is this random series of disturbances that I believe keeps me awake.  Even when its recorded and I'm whizzing past these pods of information, it's still a break and  my mind and body are engaged.  How can you sleep when you're blasted with, "ANIMATION DOMINATION!!!!! "

Nothing like that ever happens when I'm watching Nova.  Not even when the subject concerns CERN and its massive particle accelerator.  When watching Nova I am a passive participant and I have only to sit back and do nothing.  I relax and allow myself to be completely absorbed.  Put me in a bed with lots of pillows propping me up and securing my head and the mix is as effective as any prescription non-addicting (yeah right) sedative. If I watch it live it happens around 822pm and I make certain that the TV turns off before the show is over. If I do wake up I'm still embraced in that state of grace which assures a quick and certain return to blissful sleep.

This phenomenon started years ago with the hypnotic voice of George Page on Nature and the late Carl Sagan when he narrated his seminal series Cosmos.  About the third time he would repeat the phrase "Billions and billions of star stuff" I was snoring on the couch before the second "B".  I have never been able to remain conscious for a Nature episode that George Page has narrated.  Even the one on dogs.  

I now record Nova, Nature, Masterpiece Theatre etc. and when I can't sleep I find one of them on my "Do Not Delete" list, hit the play icon and they are my calming voice.  Sometimes they are such great shows I do become fully engaged and don't fall asleep until it's over (I'm finding this happening more and more with Jane Austen presentations [could be the estrogen]) but even then I am as a consequence in a serene state of mind.  My mind is thinking about the great show and it questions and issues and not fretting about all the myriad of things that are swirling in my head as I come to the end of a day. Instead I can drift off with images of the elusive Higgs particle, a skeletal representation of a cheetah and how they are built a certain way that enables them to catch the impala or what's up with Mr. Darcy?  Really?

Maybe it's just me and it won't work for you.  But I thought I would share with you this modality to unconsciousness.  Not only do I sleep but I believe I'm more informed on many subjects that have seemingly no consequence in my life.  But then again, you never know having the knowledge that we now know that 95% of the universe of made up of mostly dark energy and  some dark matter and we don't know what that is exactly nor have we really ever seen it, could help me when I'm doing say... my taxes.  It's nice to know that even the smartest and most learned people don't know things.  

So thank you PBS and viewers like you and me occasionally that bring such high quality shows that challenge my intellect (which is easy to do) and bring rest to this weary soul.  Ah Sleep.  The Sweet Escape (Gwen Stefani not withstanding).

Love is too Weak a Word

Several years ago I became a Lay Speaker with the Methodist Church.  Simply put it means I'm not a Minister but sometimes I act like one in church.  Shortly after I got my certificate which proves you're A Lay Speaker, the Senior Pastor of our Church, graciously allowed me to give a sermon.  It was not a complex subject I decided to preach about.  It was "Love is too Weak A Word".  I felt at the time (pre - George W. Bush's Presidency) that Love was not getting good press. 

For me, when Barack Obama was elected and then inaugurated as President I thought that at last love had triumphed.  Fear which leads to hate and destruction was to busy to notice that "Love Came to Town" and took over.  I will cherish those days as long as I live.  My Mother would have loved it as would've Dad but my Mother would've said that what she was witnessing was a miracle.  

It was a miracle for me as well.  I seen on TV hate (this time taking the form of racism) battling the overpowering forces of love in Selma, Montgomery, "I Have a Dream" and finally the Civil Rights Act.  And for a few years the flood gates broke open and their were anti-war protests, Woodstock, Women's liberation and finally the sexual revolution!  I am so glad I was in my late teens and my early twenties when that happened.  And then just as we got going - Watergate, Reagan, Bush the First and Clinton getting a blow job and lying about it.  I always thought that he should have been more clever with his lie. "Yes I had a blow job in the Oval Office but it was Hillary who gave it to me." No one would've believed that.

So Al Gore loses the election in the Supreme Court and we place a guy who you can have a beer with in the  Presidency.  May I point out here that President Obama can drink a beer as well as he demonstrated IN FRONT of cameras but I digress.  After Bush became President we have had 9/11 and 9/12 (I'll talk about that more in a second), two wars that are STILL going on and now we have the Tea Party.

Where is love in this?  It was there on 9/12.  The world would have done anything to help us heal and grieve.  But we were afraid and we eventually did what we as a human race has done for millennia - we went to war.  I didn't say anything against the invasion of Afghanistan.  I was mad and the enemy was not going to capitulate to a nation that would not fight.  In hindsight, I realized that if we had turned to love and ask the world to help it might have done so.  Perhaps terrorism could be eliminated by eliminating its root cause.  Suffering in poverty.  Pie in the sky?  Idealism to the extreme?  Perhaps.  But I would argue it was not taking of Berlin and that ended World War II in Europe it was the Marshall Plan.  For the first time in human history we restored our enemy.  President Lincoln had the same idea after the Civil War but it ended with his death.  "Charity to all with malice toward none."  Pie in the sky?  Just long overdue.  

I'm not writing this for anyone but myself.  No really.  I don't have a lot of followers.  But every day that I see fear leading to just plain stupidity and that leading to rationalizations that defy logic I am concerned that love is losing the media war.  That love is too weak a word.  

In tennis it means nothing and I find sometimes that is all it means to me.  Nothing.  But it is not nothing!!!  Why do you think there is so much vitriol on the air and on the Internet?  Love is stronger than any force in the Universe including Gravity and Dark Matter and Energy (you can't prove me wrong on those last three) and the only way some people feel they can fight it is to yell and tell lies and put fear in us.  And why?  Because those are all the things that love is not.  Love isn't is fearful, loud or ignorant.  It is patient and kind.  I must live my life in love.

That doesn't mean that I'm not in mortal danger?  No but who isn't?  The fact is that love has literally saved my life. If it wasn't for love I would be dead for more than two years now (long story but true).  Love works through us when we least expect it and when we do let it work through us the world changes. As fast as some would like?  No but we must, like love, be patient and kind.

I know for myself that love needs me to be its voice, its hands and its feet. And so that is why I write about love this day.  Love has given me the courage.  Love is not too weak a word.  I am.

Marie

My Musings

My Musings

Moving Forward

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Taking a New Breath

I'm taking a new breath and blogging again. I believe that I have a unique perspective now that I never had before. I see things from multiple sides on many issues and most certainly on gender.

We tend to categorize the reality that we see because there is great comfort in it. But if we could just let ourselves be guided be what we sense rather than what we see, we, as a humanity, might open a new understanding about who we are and our place in the uncomprehending creation that surrounds us. We need to break down the barriers which are arbitrary and human made and seek to know what is really there.

In this blog, I will try to advance this outlook. I'm not as smart as I would like to be. I'm not as literate as most of my friends. But I know what love and acceptance can do. Love is limitless in its singular ability to forever change our reality. 

I want this blog to be a dialogue. I want to learn something. I want to listen.  Then respond with wisdom and help all to understand why the Steelers should be your favorite team. Period.

With love for all,

Marie Fairman

The Death Panels are Already Here

The Death Panels are Already Here

Transitioning with you

Right now our country is in the midst of a great transition and so am I. Transition is fraught with peril and hope all at once. We want change and then we don't want change. Even those of us who have been praying for change have regrets at some change. Especially when it affects us directly. That's the moment we comprehend change. You may think you are passionate and come down on one side or the other but once a transition starts to happen we realize often we didn't think everything through. We can't. We can try to be careful but someone or some program will fall through the cracks. But we have to transition. Staying where we are is not going to work. I'm in midst of transitioning my sex from male to female. I'm doing this so I can truly be what I am. Bi-gendered. Two sexes happier occupying the female than the male but still two sexes. One soul. I want to be woman because of the freedom it would give me. Women can wake up in the morning and doll themselves up and present themselves to the world as what we perceive to be a woman or they can just walk into the world with men's clothes and no make up on and most likely still be considered a woman. I very aware more than ever of the inequities that befall women. As a transgendered woman I am lower on the ladder than anyone. I'm looking up at everyone now and frankly we need to lose some weight. But women do have enormous flexibility in what they want to wear. It's perfectly acceptable for a woman to dress up in a tux and go to the Oscars. A man can't do that. If a man dresses up in a formal evening gown he would be laughed at and ridiculed. I know women are excoriated on the red carpets every appearance they make and its all a load of crap. But even someone as pretty as Johnny Depp would be slammed. Can you imagine what Joan Rivers would say? Being transgendered is an odd state of being in our binary world. I have always loved women's clothes but the few times that I tried to wear them in the last thirty some years, it just didn't look right. I didn't know why I wanted to wear feminine clothes. It didn't make any sense. But I really did. So I would put on some silky, gossamer number and it looked... well, wrong. First there was the body hair. Women don't have body hair (usually) and they're clothing reflects that. So you think okay I'll shave. I looked like I was hairless but it was very scratchy and itchy. So I finally turned to waxing but it was really painful. Especially when you're a man because if you have hair on your skin, it is supposed to stay there. To take the hair off is to deny what your body is. You might feel like you want to be smooth and hairless but your body is saying, "NO!!!" Some men can do it but very few of them were as hairy as I was. I actually didn't have body hair. I had a luxuriant coat of hair. Think Golden Retriever. And it wasn't just the body hair. I wanted to fill out the clothes. I wanted the clothes to wrap around my curves like they're supposed to do. Men don't have curves unless they are fat. I was but it still didn't fit right. I had a big butt but not a wide big butt. When I put the clothes on it didn't feel genuine. I felt like a fraud. I always have felt like a fraud but dressing up brought a new awareness of my insincerity. You can be a fraud and love everyone you love and you can function and many people would tell me I was quite a nice guy. I knew in my heart something wasn't right. I went through therapy and Prosac and other anti-depressants but I still didn't like myself. I turned to God and through a lot counseling with a very open-minded and loving minster I realized who I was. I might be transgendered. When you realize might be gay (which I thought I was) you have to go down a similar road. After you come to the revelation that you're gay then you have to decide to live an authentic life or be bullied by your own and other's fears. That's when you make a choice. Being gay or lesbian carries a huge stigma that seems to be slowly falling away. People who have gay persons in their life have now anecdotal evidence that gay people are very normal and just ordinary people. No different than themselves. Acceptance is becoming the gold standard not just tolerance. The same is true with trans folks but if they decide to present themselves to the world as they really are it is most often quite difficult to accept. Being a transsexual often makes no sense to anyone. It didn't make sense to me as I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't look like a woman. After this revelation that I might be transgendered it was a long journey to get to HRT (Hormone Replace Therapy). A lot of mental therapy both private and group helped me to understand you can be trans and not be a pretty man. No one would ever call me pretty as a man. I was okay with that when I was a man but it can be a real buzz kill when you feel like you're a woman. But, almost immediately, after the first shot of estrogen, it felt like a switch had been turned off. It felt like this motor inside me went idle. I knew I was on the right path. Testosterone was not my friend. It fueled my insecurities and worst fears. I was driven by this hormonal and physchological imbalance and that would often lead to irrational thought and actions. Now being on estrogen is no picnic. Any woman can tell you that. But I feel I'm no longer a fraud. I feel whole. And the body hair? It's slowly falling off of me. And when I go to get waxed it's uncomfortable still but it doesn't hurt like it did (think 40 Year-Old Virgin). It took two visits and a lot of over the counter pain medication to take off all of my body hair the first time. Now it takes less than an hour. One more thing that cinched it that I had made the right decision I have a picture of me at my first Oscars. It is amazing to look at. I had been on HRT for about six months. No one could tell as my body was imperceptibly changing and I hadn't told anyone except a couple of very close friends. My wife knew all along. In this picture I look really happy because I was really happy. I'm an actor and I have taken hundreds and hundreds of head shots but I never had the look in my eyes that I had that night. My wife and my friends (that knew the truth) agreed. They saw the difference in me as well. It would be another year and a half before I would start to come out in my own little experimental show. It would take surviving a killer heart attack that would give me the resolve to finish what I started. I don't know where this will exactly end. Actually I don't think it ever will because I'll always be transitioning. Transitioning is what we all do. Sometimes we're aware of it and sometimes we're not. But if we aren't transitioning we're stagnating. As I wrote at the beginning, we all are going through a huge transition in our nation right now politically, morally and physically (stopping global warming and other green initiatives). We must make wise decisions but we should never stop a to make a decision because we are afraid. Ignorance breeds fear. hurt. We must embrace change but we must understand why we need it first. All of us. We can do that as a humanity now. With the resources of the Internet to find out practically anything and telling each other of our own personal journeys (like this blog) we can discern what is right to change. Transitioning with total conviction and understanding can make for trans formative change.